College Athletics Department Discovers Campus Safety May Actually Require Keeping Students Safe on Campus
Ball State officials express shock that protecting student-athletes involves more than updating social media bios.
By Declan Brophy
Sports
Latest in Sports
20 articles
Former Multi-Sport Professional Discovers Weight Cutting May Actually Require Cutting Weight
Athletic commission officials reportedly "surprised" that numbers on scale correspond to actual body mass.
By Declan Brophy
Royals Management Discovers Organizational Leadership May Actually Require Leading Organization
Front office reportedly "exploring the theoretical framework of decision-making."
By Declan Brophy
FIFA Executive Discovers Corruption Investigation May Actually Require Investigating Corruption
Department of Justice cites "administrative efficiency" in deciding some crimes require more crime-solving than others.
By Declan Brophy
PGA Executive Discovers Leadership Transition May Actually Require Transitioning Leadership
Don Rea Jr. reportedly "surprised" to learn organizational restructuring involves structural changes to organization.
By Declan Brophy
Enhanced Games Swimmer Discovers Breaking World Records May Actually Require Breaking World Records
Performance-enhancing competition reveals sophisticated understanding of performance enhancement.
By Declan Brophy
UFC Middleweight Discovers Self-Awareness May Actually Require Being Aware of Self
Fighter's attendance at influencer boxing event triggers existential reckoning with life choices.
By Declan Brophy
NASCAR Driver Discovers Retirement May Actually Require Understanding What Retirement Does
Sources confirm veteran competitor finally grasps fundamental mechanics of career cessation after 20-year learning curve.
By Declan Brophy
Olympic Anti-Doping Agency Discovers Performance Enhancement May Actually Require Enhancing Performance
Internal review finds decades of testing may have inadvertently targeted athletes who were getting better at their sports.
By Declan Brophy
LeBron James Discovers Retirement May Actually Require Understanding What Retirement Does
Lakers forward reportedly "still figuring out" whether career endings involve stopping basketball activities.
By Declan Brophy
Brazilian Promotion Discovers Fighter Compensation May Actually Require Compensating Fighters
Hype Brazil executives reportedly "surprised" by contractual obligation to transfer money to athletes.
By Declan Brophy
Chiefs Receiver Discovers Legal Consequences May Actually Require Experiencing Legal Consequences
Rashee Rice's 30-day jail sentence provides unexpected education in how judicial system functions when functioning.
By Declan Brophy
UFC Champion Discovers Contract Liberation May Actually Require Understanding What Liberation Means
Jones reportedly spending considerable time researching the legal concept of "getting out of things."
By Declan Brophy
Former UFC Champions Discover Retirement May Actually Require Staying Retired
Comeback attempt reveals sophisticated understanding of temporal mechanics.
By Declan Brophy
Professional Golfer Discovers Mental State May Actually Require Understanding What Mental State Does
DeChambeau's psychological framework reportedly operates on same principles as his distance calculations.
By Declan Brophy
Local Cornhole League Discovers Friendship May Actually Require Not Murdering Friends
Regional tournament officials express shock that competitive bean bag tossing involved actual competition.
By Declan Brophy
Georgia Defensive Back Discovers Criminal Justice System May Actually Require Understanding What Justice System Does
Bulldogs cornerback reportedly "surprised" to learn felony charges involve actual legal proceedings.
By Declan Brophy
Former Bulldogs Star Discovers Speed Limits May Actually Require Limiting Speed
Traffic enforcement officials express bewilderment at revelation that posted signs correspond to legal requirements.
By Declan Brophy
Former UFC Champion Discovers Corporate Hierarchy May Actually Require Understanding What Corporations Do
Rousey's strategic approach to executive recruitment involves publicly threatening to assume executive responsibilities.
By Declan Brophy
Milwaukee Bucks Discover Trading Franchise Player May Actually Require Having Something to Trade For
Organization reportedly shocked to learn other teams expect assets in return for taking on two-time MVP.
By Declan Brophy